selling old playboys by the interstate

I know, I know. I ought not expect so much from the Fox network. After all, they're the ones who brought us Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?, Temptation Island and Who Wants to Be a Princess? But in my humble opinion, Fox has gone too far this time.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you Joe Millionaire:

"'Joe Millionaire' is a construction worker raised in humble surroundings with only limited financial security (get this--he's actually an eleven-thousandaire, just like in the hilarious SNL sketch with Ben Affleck). However, the 20 women who have been whisked off to a beautiful chateau in the French countryside believe that "Joe" has recently inherited 50 million dollars and is looking for a special someone to share his newfound wealth. "Joe," in the ultimate fantasy setting, will be introduced to women that due to his social standing he would not be able to meet in his everyday life. Among the beautiful, smart and sophisticated women gathered are a doctor, banker and business development executive.

Over the course of his stay at the chateau, "Joe" will court each of the women. As he woos them with romantic horseback rides through the countryside, wine-making at the estate's vineyard, private dinners at the Eiffel Tower and unique and priceless gifts, "Joe" will grapple with the difficulty of maintaining his million dollar charade. As the series progresses, "Joe" ultimately narrows his choice to one woman and must finally reveal the truth about his month-long masquerade and his real financial standing to her.

Will his chosen companion reject him once she learns the truth, or will true love win out?"


12-28-2002 3:21 PM - comments (0)

my reply to his reply

Go visit Justin's site. He keeps coining neat words like "emo-sterpiece." If this guy doesn't get a job at Atlantic Monthly or Vanity Fair or Rolling Stone, I'll be very surprised.

12-28-2002 9:49 AM - comments (0)

breaking up the catfight

As usual, something Cait said on her site prompted me to once again consider we're twins separated at birth. Just kidding; I get the impression most girls would agree with what Cait had to say about females' need for competition. Like Cait, I've had to deal with the cattiness of girls more than a few times in my life. I've received two negative e-mails about my site, and I'm pretty sure both were from girls; additionally, the two craziest, most jealous people I knew (who took their insecurity out on me, unfortunately) were girls.

It's almost as if women don't think they're worth anything until they successfully steal someone else's boyfriend away or say cruel things about other women. Jen, Kathleen and I were talking the other day about gossipy office women; I worked in a mostly-male environment at ExxonMobil (go figure), and the females were the worst. They'd suck up to other women who came by to visit or drop something off, and the second they'd leave, the women I knew would start their vicious gossip. It always made me wonder what they said about me when I wasn't around. And only the female friends I've had have talked about me or other people behind our backs; guys just don't care enough to do it, I think. It kind of makes me sick to think people I've been close to could be so insensitive, but I suppose we all do it. My way of dealing with it is to pretend it doesn't happen; what I don't know, I've discovered, can't hurt me. All the same, it makes me much more inclined to have guys for friends.

In other news:

-I got my grades back, although one is for some reason an incomplete. I e-mailed my editorial writing professor, and it should be cleared up soon. That class was my guaranteed A. I also got an A+ in Jane Austen (though my school doesn't have plus/minus grading, so it's more of an ego thing than anything), and A-s in Post-Colonial Ethnic Literature and Cross-Cultural Journalism (which manages to lessen my earlier ego trip).

-I saw Catch Me if You Can with Doug. It was good. Very cute, even Leonardo DiCaprio.

-I think I'm going downtown with Aaron tonight. I need an excuse to wear my new dress. My mom thinks I shouldn't go with him alone "because Michael wouldn't like it." She must not understand how appealing it is when Michael shows the least bit of irrational jealousy.

-I finally caved in and bought Donnie Darko on VHS yesterday. I had been waiting to get it for Christmas or my birthday, and my mother informed me yesterday she hadn't bought it at all. I've been to tons of stores and can't seem to find the DVD. I'm just holding onto it until I find out for sure I didn't get the DVD version, which would be a lot better.

-The Mulholland Drive DVD doesn't seem to have a way to move between chapters, which is proving to be a real hassle; I watched half of it and turned it off, thinking I could just start it from where I left off earlier. My brother and I tried every command on the Playstation 2 (I'm too lazy to hook up my DVD player for now), and nothing worked. What's the point of a DVD then?

-My little brother implied that he would still be with his girlfriend when he's my age. He's 14. I started to argue, then thought better of it.

-New band name, courtesy of my other brother: Grand Theft Gato

12-28-2002 9:33 AM - comments (0)

christmas excess

Because my dad is gainfully employed again (thank you, Minute Maid Corp.), Christmas wasn't the material disaster we thought it might beand judging by the sheer number of bags of clothes I filled for Goodwill after cleaning my closet (and all of the trash, of course, but that doesn't sound as nice), I think I'm doing well. My closet is sparkling organized, and I've adopted "Everything in its Right Place" as my new theme song. Screw New Year's resolutions; mine's already been formulated and put into action. I think that means my sense of personal organization will last through at least February.

That said, I present to you my, err, present list (in true Chase style). If for nothing else, this demonstrates my family's good taste in picking out gifts.

-Dior Addict perfume
-Gap denim jacket with faux fur collar
-Express dark denim jacket with black lace neck and cuffs (from Michael)
-Samsung DVD/VCR combo
-Mulholland Drive DVD
-The Royal Tenenbaums DVD (the really cool Criterion Collection one)*
-Rushmore DVD
-Nirvana - Nirvana
-Smashing Pumpkins - Greatest Hits
-Jets to Brazil - Orange Rhyming Dictionary (Justin, listen to Chinatown)
-Bright Eyes - Lifted
-Express black/pink reversible party dress
-Stila lip gloss
-Black leather gloves
-Grand Theft Auto Vice City
-All Families are Psychotic - Douglas Coupland
-Atlas Shrugged - Ayn Rand
-Red leather wallet (I'm exchanging it for dark brown)
-Subscription to Real Simple (after this, I'll need it)
-Bath and Body Works Night-Blooming Jasmine velvet body cream and sugar scrub
-Origins Ginger Souffle
-Lilac bath salts
-Silver bracelet/ring
-Express sleeveless wild-print shirt**
-50 CD-R discs
-Various stocking stuffers (including touchable bubbles!)

All of this greed, and my birthday is right around the corner. I have no idea how I'm going to get all of this stuff back to school.

*My family and I watched this after opening presents, and my dad and aunt "didn't get it" but my mom and Andy thought it was funny. Those are about the odds I expected with such an "out-there" movie. Good thing I didn't make them watch Mulholland Drive.

**Weird story. When I opened this up, I assumed my mother didn't know I had already bought this shirt. What had happened was she had returned some things I had bought at Express, and the shirt in question (which I had already worn and didn't want to return) was in the bag with the other stuff mistakenly. So she returned it and bought it back, thinking I simply hadn't wanted to spend the money on it. So now my family keeps teasing her that all she does for Christmas is go through people's closets and wraps up stuff they already have. We figured out that using that method means no one will ever get something they don't like.

12-26-2002 11:10 AM - comments (0)

christmas experience 2002

My play will include:

*Elliott the Grey as Jesus (hay-sus. It's okay to name your kid after our Lord and Savior if you do it en espanol.)
*Elliott as the Lead Reindeer
*Ninja #1, who I think saves Christmas
*Some scenes from "The Cask of Amontillado"
*Subtle references to Kafka's "Metamorphosis"
*Shoot-em-up action, a la Grand Theft Auto Vice City
*A trip to Bath and Body Works gone horribly wrong
*A trip to the dentist (The Elf Who Wanted to Be a Dentist, and yes, you know to whom I'm referring) gone wonderfully right
*A solar eclipse
*A great game of hoops
*Stolen Christmas presents
*The Ghost of Christmas FIFTH DIMENSION
*Soundtrack courtesy of Rhino Records

All in all, it's going to be mind-blowing. I'll be casting soon, so forget what I said about starting filming tomorrow night. This will be a Post-Xmas experience. E-mail me with ideas.

12-22-2002 8:45 PM - comments (0)

in and out

I'm reading The Two Towers now, and to any of you who claim the book has the edge on the movie as far as character development goes, I beg to differ. While I can't wait to stay up tonight to finish it, the novel is dryer and less epic than the movie, and I normally side with books in these sorts of debates. One thing that gets to me is how the film takes a good deal of liberty with the dialogue; I've noticed several places where someone in the movie says something that someone else entirely said in the book. But it seems to be faithful for the most part. One criticism I read--it might have been Justin, though I'm too lazy to check--said Eowyn's interest in Aragorn seemed rushed in the movie. I think it seemed far more hurried in the book, but I'm open to alternate interpretations.

I've been really good at running out of things to talk about here. It's not that there isn't a whole lot going on, but as I slip between lives (school to home, and correspondingly, adulthood to childhood), I find my sense of habit is completely off, and posting is the first casualty. It's nice to relax, but I find myself missing my dayplanner.

While I might be ignoring my blog, I'm certainly not avoiding the Christmas screenplay I set out to write. I'll get something on paper tomorrow, and then start filming tomorrow night. Maybe not tomorrow night. Aaron called my cell and left a message that he ran into Vance Osbourne and that they have plans for dinner and would I like to come? Ah, Vance. Leafing through an old journal over Thanksgiving, I found out (remembered?) that Aaron was quite jealous over my friendship with Vance. Silly stuff.

Melissa finally got around to (sort of) mentioning her exciting news. Let's just say it has something to do with a boy with moppy blond hair who can't resist her. Seriously, they've been inseperable for the last few weeks. Needless to say, I'm so happy for her.

12-22-2002 8:28 PM - comments (0)

GOOD things

Yes, yes. You hate lists. But I'm neurotic and have really exciting things to do, like play Internet Reversi and use preselected comments like "Good move" or "Are you there? at inappropriate times.

1. The Two Towers. Like 105 of the 107 reviews on (and anyone with good taste and half a brain), I thought this movie was absolutely, unbelievably amazing. There honestly is too much to take in and consider. This movie is so well-done and thorough I feel very sorry for any director who is not Peter Jackson right now. The character development is great, the effects were great, the plot is great, the scenery is great, the battles are great and damn! if this movie isn't up for (and wins) Best Picture next year, I'll boycott the Oscars.

2. 007 Nightfire for PS2. I love James Bond games, even if I can't seem to stop hitting R2 (weapons cycle) when I'm supposed to be shooting with R1.

3. Finals are over. I know I got an A in Jane Austen (thank you, 98 on my final project), and I think I got As or A-s in the rest of my classes. I'm still holding out for that elusive 4.0 this semester. Also, I found out that only our final 60 hours count toward graduating with honors (in the literal meaning--cum laude, et al, not taking a handful of Honors courses). I'm not sure how to react to this, because I really don't remember what grades I got each semester. I'm not sure I can count on good old Jill McReynolds to do any investigating for me, either. All I know is my Jody "Time to go to Booches!" Sowell semester, aka my "I'm in J306 and I also have seriously thought about killing myself. Coincidence? semester," was the worst, and that counts for my last 60, unfortunately.

4. I've yet to find anybody with a soul who liked that class. Oh wait, that's not good.

5. Damn, I want some fondue.

6. Interpol. Ignore the hype and take a listen. You know me--when a band starts being called the Saviors of Rock and Roll (the growing-daily list consists of the White Stripes, the Hives, the Strokes, Mooney Suzuki, the Vines, etc.), I start getting vomitous and insane with rage. Magazines like Rolling Stone and Spin are just trying to sell a product, and their hyped-up, kiss-ass coverage of somewhat decent bands causes the reverse of what they think should happen--I rabidly avoid those bands. But Interpol, despite the "We can never live up to the ridiculous standards music critics have bestowed upon us and thus will unfairly become one-hit wonders even though we have talent" hype is really listenable and unpretentious.

7. I'm a wordy mutha, aren't I?

12-19-2002 6:07 PM - comments (0)

the tempest

There was just no sleep to be had last night. For one, Dragon Warrior 3 (and an unfortunate bout with Back to the Future) kept me up--I'm excited about all the new armor and weapons I just bought for everyone in my party. NERD ALERT! in Austen Powers voice.

But then, then is when. Then is when the storm of the year tore through the small city of Columbia, sending tornadic activity in every direction, hurtling lightning down all around me and then around 2:00, flailing giant hail into the siding of our duplex. Specifically, into the window my bed is situated against. I ran into Christie's room, not so much scared as excited, and then freaked out and searched for Elliott, certain he was out in the storm and being pelted to death by pieces of ice. I clamped onto the cat and locked him into my room (of course, he asked to leave about five minutes later. He must know it's safer to be downstairs during a tornado. Thank you, Carl Parker and your weather reports for cats). Then I called my trusty boyfriend, because I'm a helpless femaleand the baritone sounds of Michael's voice soothe me. Actually, I'm not sure if Michael's a baritone.

This post has completely gotten out of hand. Suffice it to say the rain, lightning and thunder went on until about 6:30 a.m., which is when I finally was able to sleep for more than an hour at a time. And now I take my last final, head to St. Louis and see The Two Towers with Michael.*

*Chase, didn't you think the extended version of The Fellowship of the Ring was better than the abridged version? I especially liked Galadriel's gift-giving.

12-18-2002 7:18 AM - comments (0)


I never thought it was possible to love someone the way I love Michael.

(I'm sorry. I get overwhelmed sometimes.)

12-17-2002 4:23 PM - comments (0)

friday, maybe

Feeling terribly relieved that all projects and papers have been handed over to the correct authorities. I wanted to pop open the bottle of champagne Andy got me for my birthday (party) yesterday, but remembered I had nothing to eat save for a few bottles of juice. I'm fairly confident I've been consuming more juice than the relevant government agencies would approve of.

I need to get my hands on the Cross-Cultural review info that I didn't get because I skipped (forgot) class on Wednesday. I'm guessing I'll put a solid hour into studying. 10:30 a.m., insane. Who gives finals on Saturdays? I'm thinking of dragging Michael around town for some distracting fun. I'm kind of wishing it will snow. Then we can get Subway and juice and sit in the snow. Something like that.

p.s. Thanks for all of the kind e-mails and IMs you've been sending. I never meant for this to be a pity party. I really don't understand how I'm feeling right now. I just feel sort of raw and empty. I feel like I don't really deserve to be feeling anything. But regardless, thank you. I'm so grateful.

12-13-2002 10:45 AM - comments (0)

My dear family and friends

My dear family and friends - I am so sad to tell you that Ryan passed away this morning, December 10, at 3:15 AM. He tried so very hard just to live.

Our sincere thanks for your prayers during this 6 year struggle. Cancer has not won, for his spirit cannot die.

With much love,
Paula & Jim

12-11-2002 6:35 PM - comments (0)

since i last posted i...

*Finished my seven-page English 328 paper
*Wrote an article about blogging for Vox
*Had the best birthday party ever (more details later)
*Went to my first-ever weblog party (more details later)
*Took my computers and information proficiency test to satisfy a graduation requirement
*Think I did pretty well on the computers part and terribly on the information part
*Realized why I hate libraries and why I would never want to be a librarian

on the schedule for this week
*Design magazine for Jane Austen class final project
*Research magazines of Jane Austen's day
*Edit 328 paper
*Sell back textbooks and make all of $15 on them
*Finish Christmas shopping
*See new Star Trek movie with Michael and drool over Praetor Shinzon (the Romulan Picard clone)
*Clean out closet and organize, organize, organize!
*Study for Cross-Cultural final

12-09-2002 12:55 PM - comments (0)

it's your...SECOND CHANCE!

*Rachel's 22nd Birthday Party
*10 p.m. today
*Bring your own alcohol, but we'll be selling a limited amount of martinis and shots
*For directions, IM me at red cherry bomb or e-mail me

It's gonna be the coolest!

12-06-2002 9:29 AM - comments (0)

caligula, anyone?

Today's IMDb Poll Question Is:

What's the best scene with a (live) horse where you wouldn't expect to see a horse? (Courtesy Brad W.)


12-05-2002 6:55 PM - comments (0)

it's just semantics

There is nothing wrong with naming your child Drywall, especially if you are from the South.

12-04-2002 10:23 PM - comments (0)

my sabbatical to the american holy land

When you walk into Wal-Mart, do you ever feel like you're in one of their commercials? I can't step foot in the store without flashing a blindingly saccharine smile at the greeter and grandly perusing the aisles, pretending a trip to Wal-Mart keeps my family and life in perfect order.

I expect to see clowns flitting about in the snacks aisle, Boy Scouts selling Frito Pies outside, cheerleaders linking arms and flirting with an elderly check-out guy and the cornfed, white-bread customers eating it all up like a cholesterol-laden piece of Americana. I am at the center of this commercial, the dazzling star, when I shop at Wal-Mart.

For this and many other such reasons, Wal-Mart is the devil.

12-04-2002 8:17 PM - comments (1)

eraseable chalk

"What does the title, White Teeth, mean?"

Hand raises somewhere in the middle of the classroom.


"I'm not sure if this is right, but there's a part in the book, I can't remember where, where she talks about wisdom teeth needing to fall out. The wisdom teeth represent secrets, I think. And then there's the whole concept of how you're born with all the teeth you'll ever have, and if you're missing some, there's nothing you can do. But your whole history is there from the beginning, sort of this predetermination, this total lack of free will. It's your whole history, your family's history. So I guess I think it's about our secret histories."

The professor frowns in thought. Nods.

"Yes, that's right. Interesting. I think that's exactly it."

She writes on the board. Secret. History.

There's this immediate feeling of success, of giddy victory that lasts for about 37 minutes. Reading a book is like taking a voluntary trip into one of those corn mazes. There are countless ways to get lost and confused, and there are tricks to getting out. And if you get out the right way, the way you're supposed to, you're rewarded with seeing your very own words scribbled onto a chalkboard for the whole class to reluctantly remember for the final.

Novels wind in and out, inching between subtle writing devices, obvious plot twists and the witty references half of us will never get. There is not an objective thought in the lot of them, just like there's not an objective approach to critiquing them. We raise our hands, offer our humble opinions, pleased with ourselves that something that brings us pleasure--please let me stay awake long enough to find out if Archie ever killed evil Nazi Dr. Sick during the war--can also bring us satisfaction. It's the closest we can feel to conducting an experiment and getting the results we predicted. It's the closest we get to creating something of value. Because we can't. Create something of value, that is. We turn in term papers and projects and essays and critiques, saying things that have been said before by countless English majors brave or stupid enough to think their opinion actually had anything to do with the price of tea in China.

When people tell me they can't pick up a book, read it in a couple of hours and get anything substantive out of it, I don't believe them. It's not because I don't value critical reading skills. It's because I feel if I can do it, anyone can. I have the fortune (or misfortune, depending how you look at it) of dating an honest-to-goodness computer genius. As fate would have it, his friends, to whom I've taken quite a liking, are also honest-to-goodness computer geniuses. They see the world differently by necessity. There are problems to solve and a logical way of solving them. There are programs to create that actually serve a purpose. While I would never be so silly as to assume their brains all work in the same way, the fact that their brains work far differently than mine is inarguable.

I often see my novel-reading, emotional excess and romantic mind as weak. This attitude has been welling inside of me for quite some time. Simply put, I feel stupid compared to the analytically minded. I feel like the talents I have are good for nothing and that anyone could learn to read a book and get something out of it. I realize not everyone has a talent for it--maybe I do, or maybe I've been conditioned well--but it still seems like an awful lot of bullshit sometimes.

"You're all here because you have mastered the art (or was it science? This could go either way) of BSing," my beloved AP US History teacher told us at the Honors Breakfast at the end of my senior year. I've never forgotten it. I've never forgotten how I took test after test without completing the book and still did better than everyone else in the class. Even now I can ever-so-slightly grasp the meaning of a challenging political text and reiterate the paltry amount for a half-assed essay and get an A. The nagging voice inside of me says, "It's not worth anything unless you try." I sit motionless, unwilling.

Yet all of this bullshit--grapsing at the human condition through someone else's words--is at the very core of my being. I think this is the part where I declare I'm at a moral crossroads.

12-03-2002 10:10 PM - comments (0)

birthday party

I am just not in the blogging mood. I secretly fantasize about getting a livejournal account so I can write about whatever I want whenever I want, but I guess that's not a secret anymore, is it?

I'm excited about my birthday party, which is this Friday. I'm making playlists tonight and recording CDs tomorrow. I'm not sure my taste in music always translates well to a party environment, but if my guests don't like it, they can just have a few more drinks.

My birthday isn't until New Year's Eve (no, I wasn't born at 11:59 p.m., though everyone believes me when I tell them. I was a month and a half premature, though. Really), but I wanted to celebrate it for once in Columbia. Therefore, anyone reading this who can come should. I'd really like to see all of my freshmen MU friends who up and left, hint hint...

IM or e-mail me for directions. It's going to be very, very fun.

12-02-2002 4:55 PM - comments (0)