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no apology because my urge is genuine
good things
The road where all God's creatures go to die, aka Rock Quarry, is strikingly beautiful this time of year. The trees create this weird green light that hangs over the road.
bad things
Lucinda Williams. She sounds like an evil, stupid, Southern version of Courtney Love. I cannot stand her annoying voice or her weird pronunciations. Someone please do something about her.
listening to: "I Want You" - Third Eye Blind
04-30-2003 9:59 PM - comments (0)
i'm not going sylvia plath on you, promise
I don't mean to sound ungrateful in this whole job search business. Not only do I have my health, but I'm so appreciative for my supportive family (who have offered--multiple times--to let me move back home to look for a job and who call me daily to make sure I haven't gone mad), wonderful friends (who get my mind off a scary future one strong drink and late-night discussion at a time), exceptional boyfriend (who lets me call him a ridiculous amount and who still makes me laugh like no other) and, of course, my exceptional boyfriend's very cool mom.
You know, it'd be much more acceptable if my stress were dark and tragic. You know, drowning my sorrows in whiskey bottles in cowboy bars, crying about my lost love and dead cat. Eyeliner running over everything and Patsy Cline playing on the jukebox or something. No, I just get dull headaches and sweat excessively. So so lame.
listening to: "Emerge" - Fischerspooner (great stress-relief)
04-30-2003 3:19 PM - comments (3)
I usually don't use this blog to write about personal problems, but I think I need a record of how I feel right now.
It looks as though I may be staying in Columbia for a little bit of time past graduation (summer, though perhaps until May of next year). None of the journalism jobs I've applied for have panned out (though I will admit, I was aiming a little too high with the St. Louis Post-Dispatch and the Houston Chronicle). Although it would be cruel of me to hope others would be in my position--recent college graduate and no hope for a job in his/her field--I am somewhat relieved that I'm not the only person in this awful position.
I work for a mortgage company here in Columbia part-time. I suppose I would be called an assistant loan officer. There appears to be an offer on the table for me to work there full-time once I graduate. If I end up doing this, here is the plan (which is subject to change, of course):
1. Work for summer or year
2. Move into one-bedroom apartment in Columbia if staying for year
3. Pay off credit cards. Save for grad school. Continue looking for journalism jobs elsewhere
4. Research and apply for grad schools. Take GRE
5. Hopefully get into grad school or get job in copy editing
6. Pursue doctorate of English or journalism or continue job in copy editing
I want to be doing something related to my field while working at the mortgage company; I'd feel like a total bum otherwise. A few minutes ago, I got a call from the Columbia Tribune. I had offered to come in a few hours a week on a volunteer basis to do copy editing. Keep this in mind--I'm an about-to-be grad from the MU School of Journalism, and I'm a Dow Jones Newspaper Fund copy editing alumna (not to brag, really, just to demonstrate how absurd this all is). The hiring guy calls me back and tells me "there aren't openings" for "that position" right now, but he'll let the newsroom know about me.
Let me get this straight. The Columbia Tribune--not the New York Times, people--has rejected me from copy editing for free? What's wrong with them? What's wrong with me?
Merry Dismas, indeed.
04-30-2003 11:29 AM - comments (6)
I usually don't use this blog to write about personal problems, but I think I need a record of how I feel right now.
It looks as though I may be staying in Columbia for a little bit of time past graduation (summer, though perhaps until May of next year). None of the journalism jobs I've applied for have panned out (though I will admit, I was aiming a little too high with the St. Louis Post-Dispatch and the Houston Chronicle). Although it would be cruel of me to hope others would be in my position--recent college graduate and no hope for a job in his/her field--I am somewhat relieved that I'm not the only person in this awful position.
I work for a mortgage company here in Columbia part-time. I suppose I would be called an assistant loan officer. There appears to be an offer on the table for me to work there full-time once I graduate. If I end up doing this, here is the plan (which is subject to change, of course):
1. Work for summer or year
2. Move into one-bedroom apartment in Columbia if staying for year
3. Pay off credit cards. Save for grad school. Continue looking for journalism jobs elsewhere
4. Research and apply for grad schools. Take GRE
5. Hopefully get into grad school or get job in copy editing
6. Pursue doctorate of English or journalism or continue at job in copy editing
I want to be doing something related to my field while working at the mortgage company; I'd feel like a total bum otherwise. A few minutes ago, I got a call from the Columbia Tribune. I had offered to come in a few hours a week on a volunteer basis to do copy editing. Keep this in mind--I'm an about-to-be grad from the MU School of Journalism, and I'm a Dow Jones Newspaper Fund copy editing alumna (not to brag, really, just to demonstrate how absurd this all is). The hiring guy calls me back and tells me "there aren't openings" for "that position" right now, but he'll let the newsroom know about me.
Let me get this straight. The Columbia Tribune--not the New York Times, people--has rejected me from copy editing for free? What's wrong with them? What's wrong with me?
Excuse the pity party, but this wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to do something important with my life. I had ambition and drive. Now I'm strongly considering staying in the town in which I went to college to work at a mortgage company until "something better comes up." High school's not supposed to matter, I know, but the class I graduated with saw great things for me. I was "Most Likely to be President" (a job I'm not sure I'd want anymore anyway). People signed my yearbook telling me they knew I'd win a Pulitizer one day.
Though those are obviously extreme examples, I believed in the idea behind the statements: I wasn't going to get pregnant at 19 and live in the town I grew up in forever. I was going to see the world, have a fulfilling job, succeed in life. I know these things take time. I just feel like I must have really screwed up along the way.
Please, please forgive this melodrama. Though these thoughts are always in the back of my mind, they're currently dismal and consuming.
04-30-2003 10:10 AM - comments (0)
From The Onion's "Other News" this week:
Least-Powerful Roommate's Posters Relegated To Bathroom
04-29-2003 6:17 PM - comments (0)
How is graduation in less than three weeks?
How can I sleep knowing I don't yet have a job (or a career plan, at that)?
What size cardboard box would I need if I require a different housing situation?
Can I at least spraypaint the box to make it feel more homey?
I promise it won't be pink, silver or any other color prohibited in the deed restrictions.
I also promise not to let any Vietnamese potbellied pigs or tigers live with me.
I will be sure not to host any wild, drunken parties.
There are small children nearby, for crying out loud.
(I think it's time to regroup.)
04-27-2003 10:29 PM - comments (2)
"slow evolution into a police state"
Thank you, Bush Administration.
04-26-2003 11:07 AM - comments (3)
riding along in my CRAZYmobile
Jeeps confuse me. A lot of them don't have doors. I don't get this. What if you get into an accident while riding in one? If a car hits you when you're in one, does it actually hit *you*? What if the accident is bad enough that your car flips? Automobiles could probably do without a few crazy newfangled features, but I don't see doors being one of them.
Then again, it's a Jeep thing, and I wouldn't understand.
04-22-2003 4:12 PM - comments (0)
you can take the girl out of the '90s
I felt bad that I lost interest in Pearl Jam. Once my favorite band (enough so that after seeing them live in 2000, I declared I could finally die happy), PJ's move to folksier, quainter music made sense to me but just couldn't hold my attention. I listened to Ten, Vs., No Code, Vitalogy and Yield every so often and could still see why their music was so important to me.
I also still had tremendous respect for the band's strong, unpopular political beliefs and their refusal to screw over loyal fans with exorbitant ticket prices. I even continued to drool over Eddie Vedder, who for years was the object of my affection. But the love affair seemed to have ended; I didn't buy Riot Act, just guiltily burned a copy and put it at the bottom of my CDs, under trendy indie rock and Top 40 irrelevance.
The radio gods must have sensed my ambivalence, for BXR played "You Are" today, and it is enough to make me rethink my indifference toward Pearl Jam.
listening to: "You Are" - Pearl Jam
04-21-2003 10:31 PM - comments (4)
On The Price is Right, contestant Myrtle has a chance to win a brand-new car in the "Bonus Game."
Bob Barker: Myrtle here just told me she's 95 years ago. (Wild applause from the audience follows.) AND she said she still drives! (Considerably less enthusiastic applause follows.)
04-16-2003 10:49 AM - comments (4)
My good friend Derek is back! I ran into him at Taco Bell last night after we (Christie, Sally, Amy, Lauralee, Sam and Reese) got drinks at Tropical Liqueurs. I made quite a scene, probably because I haven't seen him in about two years. He sort of just...disappeared.
Anyway, he's tan now (the result of going to California to be a writer, it would seem), but he seems the same in every other way. I wrote down my number on a napkin in black eyeliner (out of necessity, not to be weird), and we're supposed to get together tomorrow night.
And of course, I'll be leaving in, what is it? Oh, yeah. A month. Good timing.
04-15-2003 7:19 PM - comments (0)
if you dare wear short shorts...
You know what's funny? I know someone who has hair in places she really shouldn't. Actually, come to think of it, there's an awful lot I know about this person that isn't so nice. And if her boyfriend (who makes Corky from Life Goes On look like Albert Einstein) can't stop making his stupidity publicly known, then I'll just have to let everyone know who and what I'm talking about.
No one's stopping Corky Jr. from making asinine comments on his own website (or that of his girlfriend). If he's too poor to fork over the $14.99 it costs for a domain name, I'd be more than happy to help him out.
04-15-2003 5:55 PM - comments (1)
1. You know rappers are getting low on inspiration when they sample Phil Collins. Poor Bone Thugs 'n Harmony. (I guess Rod Stewart wasn't selling the rights to "Forever Young.")
2. (misspellings for pronunciation purposes only) "Hi, this is one-oh-two free bee ex ah. This is Simon Rowse. You just hehd David Boh-wie's 'Suffragette City." Next up on one-oh-two-free, it's the lay-test from the Jayhawks. After that, we'll get to some Tracy Chapman, and then after that, 'Fame' by David Boh-wie. And that's pre-tty much the only fo songs we'll be playing all day here. Did I mention David Boh-wie?"
3. (in the same vein as #2) "Um, yeah...you're, like, listening to...KCOU...like, that was, um, some new stuff from...um...Cat Power...yeah...totally good...I saw her here...like...a year ago?...so good...next up is like...some rare stuff from...Yo La Tengo...yeah...so...this show is currently being...underwritten...yeah...by Indie Kids who would Greatly Benefit...from like...a Public Speaking Course...yeah."
4. I think it's time to designate all my pre-set stations to NPR and classic rock.
04-14-2003 8:38 PM - comments (1)
irony, irony, better than macaroni
04-13-2003 11:05 PM - comments (1)
where dissecting mice can be awfully nice
I am confused by the fact that the Bayside class song from Saved By The Bell (the one that Screech wrote to the tune of "Home on the Range") has been in my head for two hours.
I don't even know my own high school class song. Then again, Bayside was a lot cooler than Klein Oak.
04-13-2003 9:50 PM - comments (1)
As strange as it sounds, I am most likely the biggest Dawson's Creek fan you know. I'm only admitting it because honesty is the best policy.
In other news, choosing a cell phone plan is probably one of the most frustrating, pull-on-your-hair-and-gnash-your-teeth kind of activities imaginable. Here's what I want: at least 300 anytime minutes, unlimited night and weekend minutes, no roaming or long distance charges, excellent coverage, a one-year contract and a free phone. For around $30 a month. Which is not happening.
I cancelled my Voicestream/T-Mobile service, thinking I'd find a better deal elsewhere, but I can't. No plan seems to be perfect; it seems like you have to sacrifice one thing to get the other. They tried to persuade me to stay with them by offering me a free month of service. I think I'm going to see if the offer still stands.
04-13-2003 6:35 PM - comments (1)
a simple twist (of rotten luck)
Why does stuff like this always happen after it's too late for me to reap the benefits?
Right before my dad turned 18, the state of New Jersey changed the drinking age from 18 to 21. A day before he turned 21, the state changed it back to 18. That's gotta hurt.
04-09-2003 1:36 PM - comments (2)
like joan of arc coming back for more
Life doesn't get much better than playing Subspace, nee Continuum, after an evening of wholesome goodness at McNally's. (Ixnay on the cherry vodka sours. And of the four songs I played on the jukebox, why was Garbage's "Vow" the one that didn't play? A song every man should listen to.)
So yes, after wholesome conversation about boys and courtship rituals with Christie and Sally, I am in my toasty-warm room, playing a computer game that involves blowing away spaceships, and waiting for a certain someone to call.
Oh, and I'm also humoring Elliott by playing the rubber band game with him. Christie pointed out that playing the game was the highlight of his day.
"Sad," I said. "But not as sad as if it were the highlight of my day." Then I remembered it was.*
*Actually an incorrect statement. The highlight, pre-McNally's wholesomeness, was certainly watching Secretary. Whew.
listening to: "Vow" - Garbage
04-09-2003 1:09 AM - comments (3)
The three songs that have had the most meaning in my life are:
1. "Black" by Pearl Jam
2. "Soma" by The Smashing Pumpkins
3. "Every Shining Time You Arrive" by Sunny Day Real Estate
Coincidentally, those are also my favorite songs (or not? I'm not sure if meaningful songs are always our favorites). In order.
What about you? Comments are back up!
04-08-2003 4:10 PM - comments (3)
I've been quiet about the war. Partly because I don't want this website to become a warblog, but mostly because I've had a tremendous amount of difficulty coming to any real conclusions.
I've been quiet about the war, but I would like to offer my humble opinion now.
For the past few months, I've been trying to come up with definitions and answers to questions. What is war? What is a just war? What is democracy? What is our role on the world stage? What is humane? What is profitable? What is in our best interests? Does public opinion matter? Does international support matter? What is right? What is wrong?
I would be foolish to assert any deep understanding was made possible after sifting through the deluge of contradicting information coming my way. And so I made a list, a simple list of the pros and cons of this war. And I came to a conclusion, based not on my being American, but on my being a member of the human race: I must support this war. It is the only opinion to have if I am to follow my principles and convictions. In short, I do not believe we should stand by and allow innocent people to be murdered by a fascist regime.
This statement will be problematic to some. I fully expect the liberals to retort. Killing to prevent killing, they will say, is hypocritical. And I will tell them that calling oneself a liberal and then turning one's back on the Iraqi people is the true hypocrisy.
Ignoring the logic (because liberals have been doing that quite a bit lately), they will then demand why we aren't rescuing the people of other troubled countries. And I will tell them: I wish we could rescue the world. But I also believe those in charge must have an ulterior motive in waging this particular war. I cannot accept that we are invading Iraq solely for humanitarian reasons, and I can't imagine the pro-war right actually believes that is the reasoning, either.
Then I will tell the liberals that sometimes, just sometimes, the end justifies the means. That compromise is sometimes necessary to achieve one's goals. That as long as we keep our eyes on the ideals we cherish and refuse to begin confusing the compromise with the ideal, all is not lost.
But this doesn't mean I am sleeping well at night. I despise Bush now more than I ever have, because he knows exactly what he is doing. He has manipulated people like me for his own gain. He knows there is no way I could ever put any serious thought into this war and then denounce it simply because I despise him. He knows that, on occasion, I am more thoughtful than that.
He knows that I know that he will win the 2004 election because of this war. He knows that I know he can get tax cuts and Medicare cuts passed during this war because we will be preoccupied by this war. He knows that I know that there is not a Democrat out there who is brave or stupid enough to oppose him during this war. He knows that I know he has left me with two, and only two, choices:
-To hope the war effort fails; that Americans and Iraqis die in huge numbers; that the replacement government is as treacherous as Saddam's; thus damaging his chances to win in 2004
or
-To hope the war effort succeeds; that American and Iraqi deaths are kept to a minimum; that democracy is installed for people who deserve it; thus ensuring he cannot lose in 2004
He knows that I know I could not live with myself if I chose the former. He knows this, and he knows I am torn between my conscience and my desperate hopes for a progressive president in the future. He knows I know this, and it makes me sick to my stomach.
President Bush may have my support for the war, but he'd be best-served not calling it a victory.
I've turned comments off on this particular post, but I'd still like to hear what you think. E-mail me with your responses.
04-07-2003 10:16 PM - comments (0)
I really, really miss my lip ring.
04-03-2003 1:07 AM - comments (3)
Gravity is not responsible for people falling in love. - Albert Einstein
1. "Late in the Day" - Supergrass
2. "All I Need" - Air
3. "The Center of the World" - Bright Eyes
4. "Flames" - VAST
5. "I'm on Fire" - Bruce Springsteen
6. "All is Full of Love" - Bjork
7. "High Speed" - Coldplay
8. "I Want You" - Third Eye Blind
9. "So Real" - Jeff Buckley
10. "Take Me Somewhere Nice" - Mogwai
11. "Life in Rain" - Remy Zero
12. "I Wanna Be Adored" - The Stone Roses
13. "Where I End and You Begin" - Radiohead
14. "There Are Ghosts" - Karate
15. "Fashionably Uninvited" - mellowdrone
16. "Before Today" - Everything But The Girl
17. "Stand Inside Your Love" - The Smashing Pumpkins
04-03-2003 12:54 AM - comments (0)
Gideon Yago is such a tool.
04-01-2003 11:56 PM - comments (0)
A fabulous person kindly sent me the new Radiohead album over IM yesterday. Five minutes later I was holding a copy of Hail to the Thief in my grubby little hands. Fifty-eight minutes and thirty-seven seconds later I shook my head in wonder and did a little dance.
Oh, it's that good. Even to someone like me, a staunch OK Computer girl who hated Kid A and Amnesiac for a long time after they came out. I can't say it's a return to OK, but it feels more natural than the last two.
Like Cait and her friend Canada Jeff were discussing, I'm not sure it's possible to pick a favorite song. I've listened to the whole thing twice, and so far I'm really attached to "2+2=5," "Go to Sleep" and "Where I End and You Begin." But that's most likely going to change after I hear the album a few more times.
